First, the disclaimer:
My deep apologies to any English majors and to those who require structure in writing to find value. This post may or may not contain fluidity from start to finish; seeing that I'm not even sure where to start or how it is going to finish.
I never had a tough time communicating and socializing in groups or one on one conversation. And up till now filling time with conversation and interaction with people has never been a problem. I never thought that it would take the stripping away of close friends and acquaintances to cause me to realize as well as to remove the barriers that exist between me and Christ. The above sets the stage of this post - "open hearted and empty."
So, here I open myself and reveal my sinful nature. Up until a year ago I had managed to fill my whole life with people and things that filled a void that can only truly be filled with Christ . My entire high school life was filled with people, activities and business that drew me away from Christ and into in self-gratifying sin. At the time, I thought I was having the time of my life. We would go out "shit disturbing," which consisted of vandalizing random property, mailboxes, stealing, removing public road signs - anything to cause disturbance. We would go to concerts, movies, parties, camping - anything to fill time and distract ourselves from real life. During this time I felt like I knew who I was, were I was going in life and felt full and complete as a person. I had friends, a job and a family and never even realized, nor had time to realize, what was missing deep within.
One by one my high school "friends" dropped out from the group, myself included. In reality I was the first one to drift from the group, but it felt like everyone was leaving me behind. One joined the army and now helping maintain peace in Afghanistan, one joined the British Royal Marines, one went off to Mohawk for police training, and the last one, a co-worker, is now going to school for robotic electrical engineering. And to top things off, a three-year relationship with my (then) girlfriend did not work out.
Here I sit. Open hearted and empty.
The feeling of being lonely was not a new feeling by any means. Loneliness was present the entire time - only repressed and forced into the background of my life by my business. This is where Christ in His rich, rich mercy and grace flooded the scene. As sinful and entirely corrupted as I was, I can now see Christ's hand the entire time - not really leading in a sense that I was following - but more so blocking me from doing certain things to protect me. Or to use another analogy: Christ kept me on a leash in order to give me a jerk on the line every time I went too far in the wrong direction.
Through all my sin, Christ had His way of preserving me. He has blessed me with a conscience that would not die. It was almost as if He had to resuscitate my conscience numerous times, but He kept it alive. He first allowed me to see the glaring sins in my life, then eventually to see the finer, more disguised ones. And still, He continues to tune my conscience.
The next example of Christ's preservation still leaves me in awe. While I was in Australia trying to run away from everything: family, responsibility, time, job and God, I felt the most lonely in my entire life. Even though I spent two months with my "best friends," living exactly how I wanted to, I felt horribly alone! During this time God taught me how to pray. I don't even know how I prayed; words just came out of my mouth. I didn't even know if I meant the very words I spoke. But God taught me to pray; to speak freely with Him.
Shortly after my return from Australia I began to see Christ's face. It was interesting for me to note that: the more friends I lost, the more time I had for Christ and the more He revealed Himself to me. Ever since that trip, God has placed many people and things in my life in order to draw me back to Himself: brothers, parents, aunts, uncles, books, the Bible, a new girlfriend, and new friendships.
God is good. God is merciful. God is gracious. God is also righteous in His judgment. His judgment could not let me stay where I stood in my sin. He has convicted me, but He also gave me the strength and mercy to get up, 'repent, and sin no more.'
It is tough to wrap my mind around that fact that Christ loved me so much that first of all, He died for my sins in order that I have a chance to spend eternal life with HIM! And secondly, He loved me so much that He was willing to contintuously send diverse people into my life to draw me back to Himself.
Here I sit. Open-hearted and honest about my past, empty from close friends, yet being constantly filled with Christ. I hope and pray that my heart will be led and drawn to new friends that truly lift me up and encourage me in faith.
Praise God for His infinite love for His fallen people!
Thank you God for your gift of salvation in Christ! Thank you God for the people you have place in my life to draw me back to yourself! Thank you God for your gift of Amyann!
